If you find that you have problems with your relationship (or lack thereof), following the advice of a slightly demented kid who is too socially awkward to have ever dated anyone probably sounds
-If you don't feel confident enough to approach someone, they will get the message clearly if you just stare at them every spare second.
-Following the object of your affection home is a great conversation starter! And if that doesn't work out, the fact that you tried is still a great conversation starter!
-If you want to get their attention, try throwing objects at them. Even if all you have is something heavy, sharp, and/or burning. It will work.
-Give them presents. And by presents, I mean everything you have but don't want.
-Make them feel special. By following them around singing the song of your choice or telling them "I saw a dead squirrel by the road today and I thought of you!" you will make their day.
-Surprise them. Give them a complete makeover while they sleep. And if you think this sounds like something for a woman, THINK AGAIN.
-To interest them, challenge them to a duel. And follow through whether they accept or not.
-Quote everything you can think of at them. It doesn't matter if it's irrelevant (Wonderpets on your first date? Appropriate.), because they'll know that you have knowledge of things other than them.
-If you think you may appear clingy, try completely ignoring them for as long as necessary. You will both be refreshed when you return.
-If you compete with each other for fun, make sure that they are aware whenever you win. They will appreciate knowing that you are self-confident.
-If your object of affection is a man, accentuate his manliness by taking a giant pink Sharpie and writing "I AM A MANLY MAN OF MANLINESS!" on his face and/or clothing. He'll be glad you realize how very manly he really is.
-On the other hand, if you want said man to respect you more, try hitting him every few minutes. You aren't scared to be forceful, are you?!
-If it's a woman, aggressively pet her hair constantly. Unless the woman is a velociraptor, in which case the fact that she doesn't have hair and yet you're still petting her will confuse her and possibly cause her to devour you.
-If you don't want a relationship anymore, a good way to tell them is to give them a new puppy with a heart-shaped tag on its collar that says "Surprise! I'm leaving you!"
There. That should make the best relationship ever.
This was surprisingly hard to do, as I'm so awkward that I don't even know how to joke about relationships.
Toad-shaped enchilada!
-Xenon
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